Della

Dear Future Husband - II

The last time I wrote to you, I didn’t know you— but well, maybe I did. I just wasn’t sure if it was another rollercoaster I was about to get into.

I remember you once wrote a great poem on parenting, I cannot exactly remember what my comment was— but I remember that we had conversations surrounding marriage, family and parenting and I said “you’d be a good father to your children”. And we were nothing, just friends.

This is another letter from me to you.

Dear Future Husband, I suddenly recall my fears almost three years ago about relationship and marriage. I wasn’t ready. I was just broken and bitten already by too many dramas in my life that I knew I was fed up. This numb evening when it felt like my world was turning on it’s own, I went to this white wall crying my eyes out and turning all my burden to God in all humility after trying on my own and seeking comfort in the wrong places. All these while, I heard God say you were close. But I was too fast to define how close. I started to look into all the close “things” I had already and tried to fit you in. But you know what they say about square pegs in round holes?

I went crying to God that cold night after trying to figure it out on my own but I failed, severally. Right there and then, I told God “I need you in this locked garden. I need you to take away the weed for me to see the beautiful rose”. I prayed this with the pain of losing the weeds I had nurtured but with the joy of finding that rose.

A few weeks later, I couldn’t find the weeds anymore. I tried all I could to get them back in my own innocence but I couldn’t but there, I found this beautiful rose. I’m not a fan of flowers so I was confused. I was so used to the weeds. I had a lot of them— that I couldn’t recognize the beauty of this weed.

Three years ago, few hours ago, before my birthday, I went solitary asking God for a gift. I badly wanted a shoe, or maybe money, I would have even managed good grades. But you know what happened?

My dear, it took me a while to realize you and your beauty and there are practically so many things I can’t wait to do with you.

I know sometimes your fart can be deadly but I really don’t mind having it all my life (I know they won’t kill me). You take so much time to dress up and I understand that’s how angels do and so I want to watch you do that every morning in my life.

I want to attend Johnny Drille’s Live Concert with you over and again and watch you dance the dance nobody ever sees except me— how you raise your hand and wine your waist and hold me like you’re never letting me go.

I know you love to go to the movies and that’s when you buy me all the junks in the world and I love it! I can’t wait to do what married people do in there with you because, yunno, it’s dark there. And I’m silly like that. Lol.

A lot of times we can be two musketeers in a gathering and be doing the most without anyone knowing and yet, still be the two very spiritual people raising holy hands and spitting words of knowledge— amen? This was what I prayed for. This, right here. What we have.

I sat down many times as a 15 year old and made a list of what a marriage or relationship should be like and my number 1 was “No marriage is perfect” but 6 years later, I struck it out because I saw what was perfect with you. I know people say this is impossible but I have learnt that with you, it’s a different storytelling— all non-fiction and so perfect.

You remind me many times of God’s love and that’s why I never swim in condemnation because you always affirm me, you show me what true love is like and you bring heaven here on earth. I remember how I lived our first weeks in this relationship in fear of things turning sour. And I asked you times without number “Would you love me till we grow old?” and everytime, you gave the same answer in different ways showing me that true love is not in the while but in a while that is forever.

It’s 4 years that I said you would be a good father and I still hold the same opinion. I love the way you talk about Jane and the way you love Richard too. And the way you make my ovaries feel like they are in safe hands. I love how you take conscious effort with each step you take and help me align my actions to what our future holds and what we’d birth together.

Do you remember when you introduced your company to me and I asked for the full meaning but you said you could only tell the person you would get married to? I hope you told her already.

I still want to trim your full hair. I still don’t want beards. I still want hair on your chest. And I still want those prophecies.

I still want to get the texts you send to me at every speaking engagement while I’m speaking— I still wonder how you get to know when I’m speaking even when you’re not there.

I’ve looked back in time and I love every minute we spend together and how we’re integrated to our own lives. How we freshly love each other and let nothing get in our way.

I remember how you told me your dreams and ambitions and as your friend, a 17 year old girl with no clue of what was possible, you showed me that there could be more than the ‘more’ I was starting to feel content with.

Aworanifeoluwasimi, I can go on and on writing about this beautiful gift God gave me. I could climb Everest just to say how much I love you. Your heart, your mind, your soul, everyday, I’m glad I can reach it no matter how far or how close we are.

I’m so confident in all that God has planned for us. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for grooming me. Thank you for always celebrating me.

I’m celebrating this new year with so much gladdening in my heart seeing you there, right there, where God has placed you in my life.

PS (for my readers): read my first letter here.

Abayomi Adeola Della

61 Lessons from Becoming by Michelle Obama

After reading Becoming by Michelle Obama, I had a deep seated revelation of what it means to say your story, own your story and hold your narrative. It gives a kind of confidence and inspires you to do more.

When I heard that the documentary of Becoming by Michelle Obama would be out on Netflix, I was so excited. Never been that happy about a movie.

It wasn’t disappointing to watch. Rather, I saw a rounding up to 60 woman getting millions empowered by her voice and her story. It was amazing.

If you haven’t had the chance to watch it or you have, this is a compilation of 61 lessons I took out from the documentary.

Enjoy!

1. Have a source of inspiration.

2. Stand for your Faith.

3. Build reliable relationships.

4. You don't have to keep together.

5. Live for people.

6. Let people who work with you feel comfortable.

7. Have fun.

8. Own your story.

9. Be Friendly.

10. Support people with word and countenance.

11. Take people as they come up.

12. Pay attention to people and value them.

13. You keep giving life at each stage.

14. Never let anyone make you feel you think too big.Think Big.

15. Never feel invisible,feel invisible.

16. Do not wait for the world to be equal before you learn to use your voice.

17. Don't let the world tell you that you ain't good enough.

18. Defy the odds.

19. Don't listen to those who say you don't belong.

20. Instead of “why me?” think “why not me?”

21. What seems ordinary - your highs and your lows is your power

22 You can meet your partner anywhere

23. Don't judge people by what they have

24. Don't follow stereotypes.

25. Challenge your partner and friends to be more

26. Surprise your partners often.

27. Your relationship is your partnership

28. Something has to give

29. Your happiness is not dependent on your partner making you happy.

30. Let your love be real

31. Talk about your love when you feel like

32. No matter what, people would still talk

33. Have somewhere you can call home

34. Make people feel loved

35. Never give up at the least.

36. Cherish the times you spend with people.

37. What makes you more than a stat is what you see yourself to be, see yourself as more than a stat.

38. Assert yourself until those insecurities become silent voices.

39. Shake up yesterday's mistake. It is a new day.

40.Take enough videos.

41. Try to make your children comfortable.

42. No matter the limelight, train your children to do basic things.

43. Turn fashion to a tool

44. Don't let your times shape who you would be.

45. God gives you platforms for a reason. Don't waste it.

46. Votes

47. Words matter

48. The higher you go, the higher you become

49. Find your life.

50. Keep doing what you are doing.

51. As you grow older, you keep asking questions about purpose and what next

52. Take care of you.

53. You have a new chapter at very phase before you.

54. Dress your poise and be comfortable in it

55. Talk to people and make them hopeful.

56. Sharing your stories breaks barriers.

57. Dare to be vulnerable.

58. Be hopeful

59. Respect people and they'd do the same

60. Leave a legacy for people.

61. Be unafraid to live openly and joyfully

Abayomi Adeola Della

My Experience in Ghana

I know how fun it is to explore and want to be in the best position to chop life and be all away from all the troubles of life. I know. I also know how we want to enlarge our minds and hearts to various possibilities of life including traveling across various countries you ever dream of, does that feel familiar to you?

Oh well. It resonates well with me a lot. This year, I made various resolutions as to the really great and exciting things I want to do, books I want to read, people I want to meet and places I want to go to. All of them have kicked off.

On the 7th of January, one week into the new year, I started a trip off to Ghana 🇬🇭 to volunteer, work in specific places, speak on an international platform, visit tourist places and meet new people. I did all these things and as much as they were interesting, they came with one challenge or the other. No, I won’t tell you it was smooth. These challenges are what I’d be ‘gisting’ you about and also of course letting you know how I pulled through.

1. Money (Value and sufficiency): If someone ever told me Naira was so not valuable, I must have agreed. But if someone had told me it was this not valuable, I would have argued.

While I was coming into this country, because it was my second time, I thought it still worked as it did 6 years ago— if not totally but slightly. I was wrong. It was totally different.

The same way money value changes, that was the same way Naira drastically dropped down in its equivalence to Cedis. One of the things I came here to do was have an economic and educational analysis and in my findings, I realized that there were somethings 1 cedis could buy in Ghana that it couldn’t buy in Nigeria. By the way, at different times, I changed 1 cedis at 62.5 Naira, 70.4 naira, and 66.6666667 Naira (the decimal is important).

While you can get a good shoe at 10 cedis which is 700 Naira, a good shoe in Nigeria, starts from 2,000#. You see?

The value disparity between Naira and Cedis is averagely on the high side.

2. Language: Volunteering as an Education Instructor in Ridge Exponential D in Ghana was a great experience for me. I got to learn and lead at the time also trying to find my balance in communication with students while teaching.

While the school has “Speak English” posted all around the school, only few of then including teachers, spoke much of English.

It was full Twi at the assembly, during classes and even while we had staff meetings. It was very challenging because I had to figure out what they communicated through their gesticulations and countenance.

Twi is not as simple and familiar as French. It was easier to pick words from a French conversation than in a Twi conversation.

Getting to the market place, at the salon, in a shop, in a bus, at school, only few people really understood English. And a bulk of them just looked away when I spoke because they didn’t understand.

At this point, I want to point out that it is wrong to think that anyone who doesn’t speak English is an illiterate or can be termed as local. That’s wrong. Although, I see this as a hold up for them when it has to do with global interaction, especially considering that they don’t speak French either.

I was concerned for the students. I was concerned that they might at a point find it hard to communicate with people outside their worldview and local parlance. It was of high concern for me because being a child, I had so many aspirations, I still do, and many of them would require that I speak international languages. I felt them in this same position.

I communicated a lot more to people, speaking English and gesticulating what I meant. It was awkward but I had no choice.

3. Food: My Mum used to say that “There’s no place like Home” and this only dawned on me when I got here. Being a Nigerian and gotten used to eating my Nigerian meals like Eba and Egusi or Gbegiri, Semovita and Efo riro, Moi moi and Bread, Akara and pap, etc (except Amala and Pounded yam. Lol), it was plenty hard for me to switch to eating other meals I wasn’t used to like Ghanaian Jollof Rice, Ghanaian Fried Rice, Banku and Groundnut Soup, etc. You see, the type of rice they cook here is quite different. It had a different size, shape, look and taste. It wasn’t looking endearing. I quickly adapted to the Rice because of the Ivorienne and Benin friends I lived with and largely because I had no choice.

Banku on the other hand for me wasn’t worth the hype people gave it in Ghana. If you’ve tasted Semovita before, Banku tastes like a not-well-prepared Semovita. Like, Semovita mixed with sugar. While the school served Banku and Groundnut soup on Mondays, I took the soup, which tasted really good, and left the Banku untouched.

In addition to these, there were not so many varieties of Ghanaian foods one could find in fast foods and restaurants. You could only find Beans, Fried Yam and Sauce, Rice and that was all. So, for the long while, I had a limited options of food I could eat. The fact that I hate to cook didn’t help matters either as I shuffled between cooking rice and stew or spaghetti and stew— they also didn’t have Nigerian ingredients at the market. You should feel my pain by now.

4. Conduct: On my first day here, the first thing I noticed was how they greeted each other and how I greeted them.

First, when you enter a cab, you are required to greet everyone in the cab and they would respond. Second, they shook hands to greet no matter your age or size and if not shake hands, especially in informal settings, they waved or not do anything at all.

This was me, a “culturized” Nigerian from the “Can’t you kneel well to greet?!” family (or at least stool a bit), trying to adjust was difficult. But while others just shook hands, I shook hands and bent a bit— to clear my conscience and most times, it was voluntary.

Greeting when I get into a cab was new for me. I’m used to the Lagos life where everyone is just minding their business and going on with their lives. I had to take conscious effort to greet when I got in the cabs. Most times, it took a seemingly long 5 seconds before I remembered to greet and did so. I thought I would get used to it in no time, but I was wrong. It was so until my fifth week there.

5. Events: In Nigeria, events hold everyday in different states. You find people having one place or the other to go to for self development and the likes but here, it was a different ball game.

I could hardly find a program or event holding in a week— except for church programs. Church programs and events were everywhere, everyday. Each church found something doing with their members to seek God or do something religious. They found it very great and active because they made their announcements anywhere and anyhow— TVs, radios, marketplaces, schools, just any medium.

But it was hard to find a program for self development.

For clarification, I am not in anyway downplaying how they advertised religious events. I am only showing how that if there was any event outside those, I would have known. Plus, I searched the internet as much as I could.

Theses were the chalk I sure pulled through in the 35days I was there.

There are videos on my YouTube channel that captures my whole experience in Ghana. Click here to watch them!

Abayomi Adeola Della

Get my FREE 11 Idea Execution Codes!

I discovered that a lot of people have great and amazing ideas but they are held back by a lot of things and end up not executing it. Yes, I know how it feels.

It could be caused by different things including fear, imposter syndrome, feeling ‘not enough’, not knowing how to go about it, add your own.

I have because of this, compiled an ebook with 11 amazing idea execution codes you can follow step by step and as they have worked for me in my various projects, they would work for me too.

Get a copy and share the link to your loved ones to also get theirs here

Abayomi Adeola Della

Where is your Boyfriend?

Where is your boyfriend?

“Where’s your boyfriend?”

“Is he also in Nigeria?”

This was a hitting question that came from a colleague at work and after the conversation, I began to think of ‘What if I didn’t have a boyfriend?’

I know that at this point, some people are trying to shoot their shots and become an item with someone before 14th of February. They don’t mind where the shots fall into, the major thing is for it to fall somewhere.

For some, they are in the #singlebutcomplete geng. Already planning how they would take themselves out and just do self love. They are not bothered about whether or not they have a partner. They just want to have peace of mind.

For some other set of people, they just can’t wait to ‘awwwwn’ on the pictures and triller videos of others. They love love but they haven’t found the right ones yet.

There’s another gang of “I don’t think relationship is for me. I don’t want to hurt myself”. This set of peace have had various relationships in the future and they have experienced a lot that they don’t want to experience again. They feel that not getting into a relationship would help them out of that.

While some have booked the gifts, the surprise, the saxophonist, the poem, the letters, the different packages, ready to unleash on Valentine’s Day. They are ready to give it hot.

Whatever gang you belong, I need you to calm down and not be drawn in the euphoria of so many things happening to give yourself the pressure you don’t deserve. Be careful what you do and express love as much as you can.

I predict that some would not receive gifts and might want to take this up with their partners.

While you see a lot of people doing really awesome things for their partners, some of those cannot say the horrible things they go through in their relationship but you’re busy beating up yourself because you’re not in a relationship.

Bottom line is, whatever gang you belong to, make sure that while you wait, you’re doing something worth the while— developing yourself with the necessary skills and praying also that while you pray to meet the one, you become the one yourself.

Where your partner is, would soon be unveiled. But where you are, should be unveiled first. You cannot understand someone else when you’ve not understood yourself to some certain extent.

Is your gang missing in the above? Let me know in the comment section.

Is your gang here? Say yaaaaay!

Abayomi Adeola Della

25 and Single

Before you blow my head off for picking on your age or making you feel insecure, calm down, it’s not what you think.

Growing up, I heard a lot of “You are in JS 3 and you cannot solve this ordinary quadratic equation” from teachers to students who felt those “dumb students” didn’t know what their mates knew. There, is where the problem began.

A few weeks after I finished secondary school, I heard my mum say “The girl next door just gained admission to study biochemistry” which I knew was not to inform me but an indirect way of saying “You need to make sure you get this admission!” It was not particularly a problem for me— I mean it’s fine for a mother to jack up her child. So no, that wasn’t the problem. The problem therein for me was gauging my speed with “...the girl next door”.

This issue is a report of not only emotional blackmail, but a mix of making people feel low about themselves.

You see, people should be given the opportunity to choose when they want to go on with different phases in their lives not because some people want them out or because they ought to but simply because they want to.

The issue of speed especially with stage has been long before time. If you had not brought a man home yet at 23/24, you could as well be on your way to the next Osun Festival* to get your head washed from the things your village people have followed you with because it’s either you are cursed or your name has been called in a secret coven.

The expectations from the society, the standards that have seemingly been placed, the things that are seen as normal, and the stages that are expected of you to come up hither. These, have determined a lot around the globe and has put people under unnecessary pressure of which what matters is how they handle it.

Whether or not (which is most unlikely not to) you have been hit with this at one point or the other in your life, you have to know that the choice to move from one stage to another and at whatever pace is for you to decide— not the society, not what you put on social media. Set your standards so others don’t put their standard up for you. Own your pace and your race.

There are different seasons and times for everyone on earth to do one thing or another. While someone has learnt and is already exploring, you might just be in your growth stage holding up your roots to become strong so you can blossom. With zero pressures.

I know it’s not easy to look away when you see “relationship goals” or “I just bagged a...” but you have to know that it’s not your season but you’re not too old for it when it comes for you. It’s just your perfect time and actually, you’re not late.

Age is but numbers. What matters is that seasons come and go and seasons do not come with age— they come with time.

It doesn’t matter what time you get it right, the good thing is that you got it right.

It doesn’t matter what time you launch it, the good thing is that you launch it.

While you hold up that age doesn’t matter and all, it’s important that you also hold that it should be no excuse for laziness and a laid back attitude of “there’s still time”. Use time diligently and stay accountable.

No time spent planning is a waste. The end product is what matters.

While even now I think I’m a bit too young for all I’ve achieved, I still think about people who are younger than me that have done more than I have. So when doing things, I do not attach my age. I just take it to be that I did it and that’s it.

This is a month of love and trust me, there would be a lot of pressure to say YES, to get into a relationship, to have a photoshoot with “the one”, to get valentine package and all those things. My advice is not to lie to yourself and feel like you don’t need it anyways or love is not just for you right now. Love is sweet, it is a beautiful thing. To be with someone you love and trust is splendid and divine.

First, accept your current status if you’re single and second, remind yourself that there’s no late comer in getting into a relationship or doing that thing you want to do ‘like your age mates are’. You’d get to that stage at the right time and you’d be fine. You’d be glad you waited for ‘the one’ and you didn’t beat yourself up.

I don’t know what this write up means to you. But if it was worth the read, please stay with #zeropressure and share it with someone.

Abayomi Adeola Della

What Every Parent Should Know - I

Many times, we wish our parents knew one thing or the other that would have helped them in dealing with us differently and of course make us better— we feel that if they knew better, we would either not be where we are today or who we are today. We probably would have learnt a lot from their way of parenting rather than despise it and make a media topic.

In as much as our parents tried their best to give us all that they can and built us to become independent adults who understand that parenting is not so easy, but we know that they could have done it better. This is not to spite them but rather to make us see how that we can be better, following their good paths and adding a bit of sleek to it.

I have outlined below what I think our parents should have known about parenting and could have made us better children.

1. Every child is unique: I grew up hearing my parents say a number of times “The daughter of Mr. Lagbaja cooks in her home for the family and can even pound yam” or “Your sister helps in the shop better than you do” or “You are too lazy. You can’t even lift it up”. Sadly, it took my parents a while to realize that I wasn’t best at physical chores and hard physical works— as a matter of discovery, I functioned best at mental jobs and things that involved planning or strategizing how Mum should run her business or how we should manage money in the house.

And so for years, I heard those comparisons, tried to be better than the people they mentioned but I failed. Until I discovered I had unique features children my age didn’t have, it stopped worrying me. This is one thing our parents need to know. Every child you have had their own uniqueness and you cannot force them to be someone else or something they are not.

2. Parents are not always right: On a fateful evening, my dad came back from work and my youngest sister ran with so much energy and happiness to my dad with Indomie wrappers to show my dad how she was going to put in for a contest with the wrappers (at the time, Indomie did a promo for people who had so many noodles wrappers— they could win different prizes) and immediately, my dad didn’t even listen, he hurled at her “Hey! Stop carrying nylons around. Don’t litter the house, go and throw them away” and almost immediately my sister ran back to the room. I corrected him and said “No, dad. You shouldn’t shout at her like that. You could have called her and calmly explain things to her and heard why she’s keeping that much wrappers”. He did so and it worked and they came to an agreement that she wouldn’t litter the room and she’d win too.

Many times, our parents are quick to take up decisions for us when we wanted otherwise. What do we think about it? What are our plans? Why do we do what we do? Can they ask us and not just conclude on what MUST be done because they are our parents?

And we can do better. Ask your children for their opinion even if you want to take them out. Don’t just wrap them in the car— ask them “I’m going to the market, would you like to go with me?” or “Would you please assist me to get some veggies in the market?”. Truth is, parents have to also respect their children so that their children grow up respecting others.

Most of the men and women who are aggressive with their opinions is because they grew up in families where the parents made sure everyone went according to their will— whether they like it or not.

3. No child is perfect: So, while a lot of parents pressure their children to become really well behaved and very mature, they fail to forget that childhood is for kids to act as children that they are and not start building so much sense of maturity and behavior that makes them act older than their age. They are meant to be children and more shouldn’t be expected from them.

So, while a child turns the flower vase upside down, you don’t yell “Can’t you just be organized for once! That’s meant to be on the table!” Because they are children and cannot be perfect or think the way you think.

Imagine a child so well behaved, neat, heads and shoulders up, good grades, good communication skills, great carriage. BORING.

This child should work in a Bank already. Ever seen a perfect adult? So why try to make your children perfect? Just asking.

4. Appreciate behaviors as well as achievements: The reason why a lot of youths today are bent on chasing achievements and not good characters is because while they grew up, there has been so much appreciation on their good grades, position in class, prizes at school, winnings, etc but no one gets encouraged or rewarded to keep being honest, integrity inclined, respectful, etc and so these attributes have been washed down to nothing that people see achievements more rewarding than having a good character.

While my mum always encouraged and rewarded me for always standing up for myself and other people, for being outspoken and not taking nonsense at an early age, my dad saw it rewarding only when I got good grades and when my position in class started to increase in number (LOL), he punished me every term. Now, this could bring up two damage. First, I could start focusing on my grade so much that cheating in the exam would feel like nothing to me— so long I wasn’t going to get beaten at the end of the term and I would come out with good grades. Second, I could start to feel my whole life depended on being excellent at my academics or nothing else. These two have thrived in children and teenagers more often than not. So parents, while you appreciate achievements, don’t leave good behaviors behind.

5. While our basic needs are important, showing affection to us is equally important:

Our parents feel that running around to make ends meet is all that matters to life and what’s very important the most to us. Not despising that they are very important, we also have to recognize that showing affection and love in the real sense of it to your children is very important.

The last time I asked my dad why we weren’t going out on Sundays anymore as a family, his response was that now he had so much responsibilities for food, fees, bills, etc and this particularly has done more harm than good to us.

We found staying at home not too special anymore since everyone was going about their business for “basic needs”. We found it comfortable with other families because we found what we wanted there and because our dad was up for basic needs and not our emotional needs. We spent “family time” at separate places— meaning there was nothing like that anymore. It took 20 years of my life before my dad said anything to me about marriage and the opposite sex.

No, this is not supposed to be only my Mum’s job. I’m supposed to hear from the man in my life too, to know how men think and stuff— I didn’t get it. Dear parents, we understand what you go through when you want to satisfy basic needs but we also want to talk to you and not knock at your office door to have a minute with you to talk to you.

Give us that time. It’s only a child who is mentally and emotionally stable and okay that can make use of the basic needs you have provided (or providing).

These are my submissions. You would definitely comfortably resonate with a lot of my points and you may have to add yours. Childhood is a path a lot of people dread that they have to go through for one reason or the other.

I apologize if this triggers so much for you. But I’d be glad if you make it work in your time.

Let me know your thoughts.

Abayomi Adeola Della

My First Gift to you in 2020!

One of the major things I set my heart to do this year was making MORE money and apparently, it served me right. I’m about to give you a handbook that would switch you to a 6-7 digits map sheet in 2020. It contains 70 business ideas that would pay huge in this year and I want you to tap into this blessing and make it your own. At the end of this handbook, there and three huge bonuses for serious persons who want to level up! Grab your copy here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSd5j-VtACHuJRwhzQ_zEYcK2ucOW9-uvtIiZJ73aHsvE7V-XA/viewform After you register, you get the link to download on the end page. Best Regards, Della